Alright, I haven't written in here in quite awhile. And Ben's working out and Hunter and Michelle left to go - I'd rather not think about it. So, I figured now was as good a time as any to update this.

Ben just found out that they are naming him the new department head at school. This is wonderful. Although, as much as he has been gone at school already - I am sure this will only mean he will be gone more. I suppose that is the only drawback though.

School's absolutely fucking insane. I don't know why I thought I should go back. I hated school. But, all in all it's been an exciting semester so far. I took one of Ben's classes. This was against my better judgment. I figured with all the repeat students he has for his different classes, maybe he was an easy professor. Not so much. I spend more time on his class than I do on any other one. Except for possibly Econ. Econ is absolutely horrible. If I have to see one more supply or demand curve, I may lose my fucking mind.

Michelle and Hunter are doing a great job working at the store. It may be because even though only one of them is supposed to be there all the time, they are both there all the time. That's my new recommendation to anyone who ever has their own business: hire two people who want to be around each other all the time. They will both spend all their time at the shop and only one of them is getting paid to be there. Hmm. I'm smarter than anyone gives me credit for. Really though, they are doing a great job. Better than I ever expected. I was nervous to leave them to run the store at night almost every night. However, with as well as they have done, I am thinking of picking up more classes next semester. The sooner I can get out of there the better. Jesus Christ, I sound like I am in high school again.

Ben, Justin, Brian, and myself have spent far too much time together lately. Well, ok maybe not far too much ... but I'm starting to feel like I have to remind myself that I am not 19 again. It has been ... quite nice though. As much as I enjoy spending time with Eli and Monty or Ben's colleague Matt and his partner Alex - it's nice to be around old friends. It just feels good. And to use Brian's favorite term that may sound pathetic. But it's true.

Alright I have stalled for long enough, I am off to finish slave driving Professor Bruckner's weekly paper.

I can't believe Christmas is almost here. This year has flown by pretty quick. I have just a few more things to pick up for JR and another gift to find and then I'm done. Although I have been threatened by Ben if I get anything else for JR. I think it might have something to do with me making him help me wrap every one of her presents. He threatened to Scotch tape me to the wall. I just want to know that if I can't be there, at least she won't forget me, you know?

I have come to terms with the fact that she's in Canada with the girls. And I know that's where she should be - with Melanie and Lindsay. But for some reason this holiday season has made me miss her more. I have been meaning to talk to Ben about us going up to see her and the girls. Ben's got some time off for Christmas break from classes, maybe we can go up and see them.

So, I finished filling out my appliation for the university. If all goes well, in January I will be returning to college. I'll be the old creepy guy in the back, but I'll be in college just the same. I would have never finished the application had it not been for some very insightful advice from Brian. Thanks, Bri. I took your advice. Needless to say, it worked - AND I slept very well that night.

I'm going to go finish stocking a few displays and get out of here early, Emmett and I are going shopping. I hope Ben doesn't have any plans tonight. I have a feeling that I'm going to have to wrap a lot of presents tonight.

The store has been fairly busy lately. This is wonderful. It seems that parents are coming up and buying comics for their children for Christmas presents. It reminds me of when I was a boy and would unwrap a comic from under the Christmas tree. Some people wanted puppies or ponies - or whatever normal kids want. All I wanted was more comics. Sometimes, opening a new shipment of comics, preparing to put them in their display, gives me that same rush. The same feeling of anticipation, excitement, and exhiliration flows through me. The smell of the new comics always brings back those memories. It's kind of crazy to think that maybe Justin and I have made kids feel the same way I did when I was a boy. Maybe RAGE is that one thing that a kid wants for Christmas.

I have had a lot of parents come in asking about RAGE and if I knew what he was all about. All I can do is smile. God it feels good. Kids come in asking for another issue. Justin just needs to approve the last issue, and we'll get it out. Because then, I have some great ideas for storylines for the next few issues. Sometimes the urge hits and I scribble things down on napkins, scrap pieces of paper - the other night Ben was grading papers, and I had this great idea for Rage and JT and I grabbed the piece of paper in front of me, scribbling on it. It was one of Ben's student's papers. Even when he looks all agitated at me, he's still incredibly sexy.

Ben's been feeling better. He looks better, and things are starting to look up. Just in time for the holidays which is good. I would hate to think he couldn't be around Gus or JR around the holidays.

Brian and I talked, and I talked to Ma - I'm going there for Thanksgiving. It was wonderful of the girls to offer their home to us all. But we have always had Thanksgiving at Ma's. Brian, Ma, and I haven't not had Thanksgiving together in that house in years. So, we're going there. I have invited the girls and I'll call Emmett and Ted and tell them as well. Ma said the more the merrier.

Ben and I started out Christmas shopping really early. I'm hoping we are all done by the end of November. Things are too crazy to wait until the last minute.

Hunter's staying at his friend's house again tonight. I can't wait for the day to be over. Not having to listen to Hunter yell throw the walls at Ben and I is a huge plus. And I don't know if Ben wants to buy more pillows. Since Hunter's become part of the family we've gone through quite a few. Maybe for Christmas we should buy Hunter some ear plugs. Or a new Discman, with a good set of headphones....

Slow day at the store. Which only gives me more time to think. I accidentally grabbed Ben's phone this morning and he grabbed mine. The doctor called. I didn't answer. It's not my place. But now I am worried sick and I haven't heard a fucking word for him. I hate this. I can't imagine what life would be like if he wasn't my big strong Ben. I don't want to think about it. I want to do like Ben asks and live in the now. But every now and then, at night, when he's asleep - I feel myself wondering about the future. I see myself trying to find a way to fix the past. I can't do that though. I know I can't. I make myself sick trying to think about how to make sure there's a future.


Ah! I just wish he would call already. I'm so fucking nervous. I know these new meds are going to help him. I know it. But I also know that the place he has been the last few weeks, coming off the other meds - is not a good place. He looks tired, he looks worn down. I'm sure he is. I wish Hunter would be around more, I know that worries him too.

I haven't had many thoughts to put down lately. That's a lie, I have. I just don't have the right words to explain them. I wish I was better with words, like Ben.

Babylon reopened. The night seemed to go well. I didn't see much of Brian all night. Big fucking shock, I know. Hunter isn't around much, Ben's getting worried. Ok, I am worried too. But Ben's more worried. I'd really like to start working on another issue of Rage, I should call Justin. I just have been so tired and everything's crazy lately.

I am glad we made it through the Babylon night. I was worried. Brian made me feel stupid for being so worried about it. It was just weird to be back there, with everything looking normal and all the people. It made me nervous. But, Ben and I enjoyed ourselves. Yes, we did.

I get the feeling lately that Ben's got something, something he's not sharing with me. He just looks worried or nervous, moreso than I have ever seen him. I don't know if its just the lack of Hunter - maybe that's what he's worried about. Or maybe it's something else. I am going to find out.

I feel sleep starting to kick in, I should head to bed. I'll update more later.

Shit. It seems like I just posted yesterday, I guess it's been a few days. Time is flying around here. Everything changed so quickly and time just kept flying by. I can't even imagine - well I couldn't imagine this all changing five years ago. Five years ago I was sure that Brian and I would still be hanging out at Babylon everynight, with Ted and Emmett.

I never thought I would own my own comic store. I guess I thought it would be the Big Q forever. I thought I was trapped. And then, I never thought I would find someone like Ben. I never thought I would have ... a husband. Or a family, for that matter. But I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Hunter, JR, Ben, and I ... we're a family. We're all family actually - Mel, Lindsay, Brian, Emmett, Ted, Ben, Hunter, JR, Gus, Justin - we're all family. Dysfunctional as hell. But still family.

Justin got a job at a gallery - thank God. Ma was driving me crazy worrying about him. I thought I was going to have to hand deliver the lemon bars. Brian's lucky Ma didn't know he was going to see Justin or she would have made him take some. She's still griping that Justin doesn't write or call her or his mother enough. But at least she's not worried he's starving to death. She feels better knowing Brian's out there. She knows Brian will at least feed him so, as she says "He has enough strength for Brian to fuck him all week long..." I always wondered what it was like to have a normal mother. I will never know.

I have the world's greatest son and husband, definitely. Ben has been wonderful through everything. Through the attack, through my recovery, with Hunter ... with just fucking everything. It makes me so fucking mad sometimes that he can be so calm and cool about everything. Why can't I be like that? It's like I am the drama queen and he stops me from queening out all the time. I guess you could say he's the ying to my yang (Is that right Ben? lol). Hunter has been making dinner with Ben and helping out around the shop some - this helps so much. I can honestly say that life wouldn't be near as great without the little shit around. I was thinking back to when we first let him stay in the apartment. And it's gone from that to him helping me at the store and everything. Like I said - time has been fucking flying.

Hunter has made our lives better. He has brought Ben and I together, and made us a family. He has taught us so much. Now if only I could teach him to stay the fuck away from my pot and Brian. I've seen the way he looks at him. All googly eyed, like a fucking 14 year old boy. I know, I've been there. And Brian fucking loves every second of it. No matter what he says. He's like the evil influence ....uncle. Yeah evil Uncle Brian. Just what I need my teenage ex-hustler son spending time with Brian fucking Kinney. I will have to rethink Hunter staying at Brian's for a weekend.

I'm going to get back to the store, it's pretty fucking slow today though.

To: Justin
From: Michael
Subject: Last night


Hey,

Sorry about last night. Just - you know, too much weed and some stupid shit came out of my mouth and I was busy trying to get my foot out of my fucking mouth. I am interested in your ideas on Rage. Bring them when you come back, we'll have to get together. Another "satisfied customer" just came in asking about the next issue of Rage. Better get back to work. Brian said you had an interview today - good! Get the fuck out of McDonald's or Ma's going to end up flying down there. No really though, good luck.

~M

So, Ben talked me into getting this livejournal. And it seems everyone has one. So, I suppose it's a good way to keep updated on everyone, since we all split ways recently. I have been trying to figure out what to say for at least a few days now. I have nothing specific to tell anyone. So I will do what comes to mind, I suppose.

Mel and Linds contacted me yesterday to tell me that they wanted to move to New York. I freaked out, a bit. I tried to get ahold of Ben. He didn't answer his cell, so I called Brian. Who made me feel a million times better. He suggested the secret pot stash. Which would have been nice, except *ahem* someone got into it. And it's gone. So I had to make a trip to the loft today. It feels good to hear Brian call me Mikey. Sounds stupid doesn't it? But for awhile it wasn't Bri and Mikey or Mikey and Brian. It was Michael and Brian. And it just feels good to be Mikey again. I really do hope that we can work things back to how they were. I have missed him, much as I don't want to admit it. Speaking of which, Ben said something about being able to filter things. I should figure out how to filter this so Brian can't read it. Because I'll feel like a dumbass.

Speaking of which ... I came home from a night out with Brian the other day totally drunk. I told Ben I wanted to raise a child with him. Luckily for me my husband is a wonderful man. Because I haven't said anything until suddenly I'm drunk? And then I want a baby? Ben is fantastic though. He told me today that he would love to raise a child with me. Which makes me feel good. It would be nice to have a little piece of "us" running around.

Hunter has been, typically a little shit. He's working hard at school though, with a LOT of help from Ben. Hopefully he can do well this year. And hopefully the fucking assholes at school leave him alone. I worry about him there. Ben is so wonderful with Hunter. I know he considers him his blood, and sometimes I feel like I don't belong. I feel like I can't understand them the way they can understand each other. But Ben is just so good with him. He has made Hunter feel like he has a future. Which hopefully he does, because someone has to help me support Ma when she gets older.

Ma is increasingly worried about fucking everyone. Worried that I'm not talking to Brian, worried about Ben after everything that happened with me, worried about Hunter wanting to leave again, worried about Brian being without Justin, worried about Justin getting eaten by the big bad fucking wolf of New York or whatever. She wants to send him cases of lemon bars. Cases! Jesus Christ. But you have to love her. Especially when she tells everyone about every stupid thing you have ever said or done. Who doesn't love their mother for that?

Shit, I'm getting ready to close up the store and someone came in. I'll finish more later.